


Killing [[Static]]

by youreyestheyglow



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreyestheyglow/pseuds/youreyestheyglow
Summary: Once the world no longer needs saving, Magnus gets bored--bored enough that when Taako and Merle show up on his doorstep asking for his help killing some nameless tyrant, Magnus joins them without a second thought.Not all his memories were restored by the voidfish.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Killing [[Static]]

They turn up on my doorstep on a bright summer day, Taako in a hat with a broader brim than usual and Merle in jorts.

“There’s no gold in it,” Taako says, stepping aside so I can join them outside, “But we’ve got a guy to destroy.”

I hover in the doorway. “Like, destroy, destroy? Or destroy verbally? Mentally? Are we going now?”

“ _Yeah_ , we’re going now, Lucretia thinks she’s got him pinned down. In terms of location, not as in she’s standing on his neck.”

“God, in those heels, we wouldn’t even have to go find him. She’d pierce his throat like a balloon,” Merle chortles.

“Hang on, hang on,” I say, leaving the door open behind me as I dash upstairs.

When I return, fully dressed, armored, and armed, Taako is lying upside-down on my recliner, hat remaining artfully placed on his head just to spite gravity. Merle is lying on the couch, and his arm is on the table.

“It didn’t take me _that_ long,” I protest as they whine their way into a standing position.

“And half of it was probably hair,” Merle quips as he leads the way out the door.

I saddle my horse, Horsey. Taako whips up Garyl, who manifests with a deep, drawn-out _yooooooooo_.

“So what’s the deal?” I ask as we ride toward Lucretia’s. “And why are we doing it for free?”

I can practically hear Taako’s eyes rolling. “Agnes has been reading some shit about some guy who once destroyed a city. Not with the relics, just because he was a fuckhead. And he’s been having nightmares about this guy, so we’re going to kill him, so that the child detective can start having sweet dreams again.”

I smile. The adoption papers might have my name on them, but Taako’s just as much Angus’s dad as I am. “Sounds good to me.” Odd that he wouldn't have told me about the nightmares, but hey—Taako's as much his dad as I am.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” Taako says without looking at me.

I frown.

“Not like that,” Merle says without looking at me.

I grin. It’s good to have my family back.

* * *

Lucretia’s house is tidy and messy, all at once, as it often is. Things aren’t necessarily out of place, and it’s not that she owns all that much, it’s just that she constantly gives the impression of being fully in control of the papers strewn across every available surface.

She’s talking into her stone of farspeech when we walk through the door.

“Thank you. Yes, great, thanks,” she’s saying. Someone on the other end says their goodbyes, and so does she.

“Anyone I should know?” Taako asks snarkily. He’s not over it yet. Maybe never will be. But hey, he’s talking to her, and that’s good enough.

“No. Or—yes. But no. It’s good to know all my old contacts still have my back. He’s in Neverwinter.” She hands me a slip of paper with an address on it. “I hope.”

“You hope? Are we gonna turn up at some random person’s house?” I ask. “Just barge in, all, _Hey, destroyed any towns lately_?”

“Oh, no, that’s definitely his house. A man fitting his description precisely lives there.”

“Wait, we don’t know his name?” I ask.

Lucretia shrugs. “At one point, we did. Now, it doesn’t matter, he’s changed it twenty times so that no one would find him.”

“Then how did you find him?”

“Kravitz spoke to one of the victims,” Taako says, picking at a nail. “Got a picture. Artfully drawn, if I say so myself.”

“Oh. So everyone who could have identified him is dead,” I say flatly. “Cool.”

“Just about,” Merle says cheerfully. “Ready to go?”

I glance at the address again. Not far—a few hours away, maybe. “Onwards,” I declare, and we saddle up. Taako borrows one of Lucretia’s horses, named Wings. Garyl only lasts an hour.

A few hours later, we arrive at a small, muddy house, half an hour’s ride outside the nearest town. And by _muddy_ , I mean _made with mud bricks_.

“Look,” Merle says quietly, “I like nature as much as the next guy, but we have stone and wood. This is a bit much.”

“Maybe he’s living in dirt because he _is_ dirt,” I say, swinging off of Horsey. I tap my fingers on the hilt of the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom and sigh. “How do we know this is him? Descriptions can match a bunch of people.”

Merle shrugs. “Zone of truth?”

None of us move.

It’s quiet. There aren’t any lights inside the house. And the lawn is wide and empty.

Merle holds out his wooden hand. “I’m casting Find Traps."

Taako nods.

“Well, boys,” Merle whispers, “I found some traps.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere. Don’t step forward.”

As one, we step back.

“What kind of traps are we looking at, here?” Taako asks.

“Bombs. We step forward, kaboom, there we go.”

“Taako, can you fly in there or something?”

“I levitate, I don’t fly, Mang-us.”

I shrug. “We could push you.”

“Which is great until a strong breeze comes along, and suddenly I’m just waiting to drop into a field of bombs.”

“Blink?”

“Mm. Merle, anything actually _in_ the house?”

“The house is fine, I think,” Merle says, reassuringly. “It’s not that there are bombs _everywhere_ , really. We could, theoretically, walk to the house, but the path isn’t one that’s meant to be followed. I think it’s so that _he_ could get in, but no one else would be able to manage that. Sure as hell not me, my legs are too short.”

“Are there any spots, say, ten feet away?” Taako asks.

Merle gets down on his knees and closes his eyes. He pushes his wooden fingers into the dirt. A few feet away, a root pushes up through the ground.

Taako disappears.

He reappears on top of the root.

Another root, a few feet away from that.

It’s a slow process, but Taako makes it inside.

I draw the Sword.

Merle looks up at me.

“I don’t like anything about this,” I say quietly, all my senses on high alert. I give a quick look around—all it would take is an arrow from behind while we’re all focused on the house. I see fuck all.

Taako reappears.

He blinks his way over the field, and there’s something in his hand. He passes it to me. I hold it down so Merle can read it.

_Magnus, I knew you’d find me. You think I’d just wait around?_

A chill goes down my spine, and I spin. I search the treetops. I sheathe the Sword and draw the Chance Lance. But this doesn’t make sense, either. Why wait until we thought to turn around to make a move? Why not just kill us while we were distracted? “Was anything else in there?”

“Nothing major. Some shitty-ass furniture. It didn’t look comfortable. I get the impression that this isn’t where he spent much time.”

I pull out the Lens of Straight Creepin’. I see Horsey’s tracks, I see Wings’ tracks, I see mine and Taako and Merle’s tracks. And I see a set of tracks leading away.

“Why’d he think I was coming after him? Is this someone we know?”

Taako shrugs. “He’s a tyrant. You’ve been killing tyrants for more than a century. He’s paranoid. You’ve got a reputation for being a little sneaky. Honestly, it would be stupid of him _not_ to expect you.”

“I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all. Hey, magic-guys, stop me if you see a trap.”

Behind me, I hear Taako cast Detect Magic. They follow me as I follow the set of tracks leading away, which—stops. In the middle of a wide-open field.

“Magic,” Taako declares. “You’re standing in front of a big ol’ ball of magic.”

I look at the empty air.

Sometimes I regret spending a whole century fighting instead of learning magic. I learned some, to be fair to myself—enough to make the Chalice, enough to sometimes remember a spell or two. But thinking was never my thing, and years of _not_ thinking have damaged my memory. There's some stuff that never really came back. And anyway, a century is a long time, and I'm only human. “What is it?”

“Illusion magic. Conjuration magic. There’s something there. Don’t _touch_ it, you dumbasses,” he says as Merle and I reach for it.

“Fair,” I say. I take an arrow out of my quiver and poke it forward.

The arrow scrapes wood.

I drag it sideways, and it hits something—a doorknob, I figure out as I work it around the obstruction. “It’s a door,” I announce.

“Is there anything _around_ the door? Another house?” Merle suggests.

I drag the arrow off the door, and resistance disappears. “Nope. What d’you guys think?”

“It leads somewhere,” Merle says sagely.

“I don’t think it’s a—conjured door,” Taako says carefully. “I think the _door_ is real. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any point in hiding it.”

“Why put a door in the middle of nowhere and then hide it?” Merle asks. “What happens if it’s opened?”

“Isn’t conjuration the same school that teleportation belongs to?” I ask.

“Yes, it is,” Merle and Taako say together.

“So what you’re telling me is, we could probably open this door and walk through it, we just have no idea what’s on the other side.”

Nods all around.

“And, of course, we have no way of figuring out where it leads, or whether or not it leads to a bottomless pit of snakes, until we’re through the door.”

Taako groans. “We’re going to have to walk through that, aren’t we.”

“Yep,” I say cheerfully. “Hey, chin up—the tracks led here, so this guy probably walked through the door.”

“Or he walked here so that you’d follow him, and then flew away,” Taako suggests.

I look up at the sky.

“He’d already be gone,” Taako says.

“Unless he’s invisible.”

“In which case you can’t see him anyway.”

“Fair.”

Merle drops to his knees. “Oh mighty Pan,” he says, “Answer me this: is our target waiting wherever this door leads?”

Half a second passes before an ethereal “ _Yes_ ” reaches our ears.

“Thanks,” Merle says, getting back up. “Well, looks like we’re going through the damn door.”

I shrug, open the door, and step through it.

I hear Merle groan—and then I hear nothing.

I look behind me, and there’s nothing.

I look in front of me, and there’s a goddamn mansion.

Huh.

Merle appears at my side, and then Taako, who’s holding his umbrastaff out in front of him.

My eyes narrow.

I don’t like this.

And then, acting on instinct, I dive on top of Merle and Taako, taking them both down. I feel my shield take a hit, and then another, and then the tip of Taako’s umbrastaff peeks out from under my arm, and Taako casts Magic Missile.

I look up in time to see a little ball drop from the sky, absolutely fried.

“Getoffme,” Taako says, and I roll away and pick up the ball.

Merle adjusts his arm and his eye patch. Taako brushes himself down.

“What’s that?” Merle asks.

I shrug and hand it to Taako.

He looks at it and shrugs. “Dead, now.”

I step forward—carefully, shield in front of me.

Nothing.

I make it to the door.

Taako and Merle, stepping carefully, follow me forward.

I look at them.

Taako shrugs.

We look at Merle.

"I stepped through the last one," I say. In my old age, I'm learning restraint.

Merle makes a face, and then steps forward, touches the doorknob—and drops to his knees, shuddering.

We give him a minute.

He holds up his hand, bright red and inflamed. “Poison,” he grumbles. I can already see it fading. It’s good to be a dwarf.

Well, subtlety is for losers. I pull out Railsplitter and chop the door in half. Taako and Merle sigh, but, well, what did they expect?

We haul ass inside, Taako casting Silence as an alarm bell starts to shriek. I pull out the Lens of Straight Creepin', and we follow a winding trail that sidesteps certain parts of the floor. I duck as a lightning bolt flies over my head—clever, that, leading us into a trap—and Taako and Merle follow my lead, not that Merle needs to duck, really. We head up the stairs. We fight and kill a direbear. Taako freezes something slimy. Merle makes a bunch of spoons appear, frightening off something shaped like a bowl of jelly. We keep going, until the tracks dead-end at the top of the mansion.

I kick down the door.

Some guy is standing there. He’s surrounded by wolves.

Well, I hate to kill a wolf.

So I don’t. Taako casts Sleep, and out they go.

“I knew you’d come for me, Magnus Burnsides,” the guy says. “Do you think I’m not—”

Taako hits him with a tentacle spell.

Why is he so obsessed with _me_?

I don’t even notice when Merle makes his move. I pull out the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom and have at it. “I guess my reputation precedes me, huh,” I say with a laugh as I slash at him. “And you _still_ couldn’t prepare for me!”

He lashes out at me with a jet of water that knocks me backwards. Taako responds in kind—not using fire, a good idea in an enclosed wooden room—and Merle heals me, which is nice, and I hack at this tyrant again. I get my sword in his armpit—not covered by armor—and drag it upwards, chopping through tendons and muscles, ripping his chest plate and helmet off, leaving his chest and neck exposed, and he shrieks, but it's not enough to take him out of the fight. He casts something that burns like acid at my face—probably acid—and, for a moment, I feel him in my skull, trying to make me turn on my friends, trying to make me bring him to safety, trying to make me drive this sword through my own heart—but there’s something about him being in my head that doesn’t sit right with my brain, and I cast it out, rubbing my eyes as I sit up. God, I hurt, and when did I hit the floor?

I look at this man, waiting to see a bolt of something hit his chest and take him down—but nothing happens.

He looks a little surprised. His Dominate Person spell didn't work. He hadn't expected that, I suppose.

“Your move, Magnus,” Taako yells. “Take this fucker _down_!”

This fucker, realizing that he’s done for, scrambles for his chest piece but can’t lift it with his one functioning arm, scrambles backwards, and raises his hand—but I’m fast. I’m _fast_. I’m on top of him, sword in the air, and bringing it down, and Taako screams.

Taako screams words, and I bring my sword through this man’s neck.

Taako screams.

I chop the tyrant’s head off.

And Taako screams.

Taako screams, before my sword connects, and what he says is: “ _This is for Julia!_ ”

It rings in my ears.

I look at the head on the floor. It doesn’t ring a bell. It doesn’t jog a memory. I feel nothing, looking at those eyes.

But I remember something. I remember being in a trap run by liches. I remember forgetting. And I remember looking at my two closest friends in the world, and saying: “Don’t try to remind me. But if you ever meet _everythingisstatic_ , kill on sight. Don’t talk to. Don’t let talk to you. Kill. And tell it’s for Julia. That’s the one thing I want you to say to face before you kill. This is for Julia. And then you end then and there.”

 _This is for Julia_.

Most people don’t know what happens when a person dies—or, they know the general facts, but not the reality. They don't know how a soul gets from the body to the sea of souls. They don't know how immediately a reaper appears.

Fortunately, my brother is dating death.

I look around me, at the empty air, and say, “Tell Julia I love her.”

For a moment, just a moment, I feel—almost—a frigid hand on my shoulder.

Taako blows a kiss to the air, and then searches the tyrant’s body. “Hey—he’s got a diamond! Just, in his pocket! A diamond! Think of how much is probably—What the _fuck_ are you doing, Magnus?”

I pause in the act of sticking my burning sword through the wooden walls. “What? I mean, I’m burning it down.”

Taako closes his eyes.

Merle lets out a groan that seems to come from his feet. “There must be—well, it’s all probably trapped, anyhow,” he grumbles. “Well, let’s get going, before we burn to death.”

I retrieve my sword.

Taako, mumbling incoherently about diamonds, taps us all with his umbrastaff as we jump out the window.

I look down and—

And I start laughing, laughing inconsolably, because everything except the mansion itself was fake. There is no grassy field, no lawn. I twist in midair, forcing my body sideways, and see a thin stone walkway leading from the front door to 30 feet away. Everything else is empty air, because this mansion was built on the tippy-top of a mountain. It was sheer, dumb luck that prevented me from pushing Taako and Merle off the walkway when I tackled them. It was sheer stupidity that prevented us from taking a roundabout way to the door. And now that the tyrant is dead, everything is gone, and the ground is a long, long way away.

“Oh, for the love of—” Merle mumbles. “I’m gonna be _sick_.”

Taako gapes at the mansion as we slowly fall past it. He gapes up at it as we slowly lower down the face of the mountain. He gapes at it as fire consumes it.

And I laugh.

As we drop, and as I imagine the face of the man who killed my wife going up in flames, I feel—weightless. Gravity, space, time, up and down don’t seem to be a big deal. I close my eyes and relive—again, and again, and again—slicing through the throat of a murderer.

Eventually, my feet touch the ground.

“Where the fuck are we, anyway?” Taako asks.

I shrug and start walking.

“Do you—you could be heading in the wrong direction!” He yells after me. “We could die!”

“Then figure it out,” I yell back.

Merle groans, a groan that seems to come from the depths of the earth, and I keep walking.

For the first time in a very long time, for the first time in upwards of a decade—I feel a bone-deep, soul-wide, all-encompassing peace.

I smile.


End file.
